if i were stranded on a deserted island today and allowed to say one thing to myself, i would say, “diana, you are on a roll.”

then i’d get mad, because i’d used my one chance, and it wasn’t even on a good roll – this was definitely some “yesterday bread.”
to make matters worse, i couldn’t even say anything about it, because i’d just used my one chance to speak.

but if i were able to take advancements on “one-chances to speak,” i’d cash in on tomorrow, turn around, and loud enough for everyone to hear, say “look, moron!  we’re not on a roll.  obviously we’re on a deserted island.”

unfortunately however, i’m allowed to speak and roam freely without vocal censorship or limitation on my bodily movement.

whoa.  that was almost a…  joke?  
this whole time i’ve been keeping them trapped like wild ponies in my brain, (the jokes?) – thinking they were stupid because i didn’t get them – when really all along it’s just been the other way around.  
i’m so sorry little brain-ponies.  that’s not the type of life you deserve to lead.

see what a college degree will get you?  the ability to think, reason, and own a credit card with the little honor-society emblem in the top left corner – with which you can use the last little bit of your remaining limit to pay for a lesser-educated man to come into your home and make something like electricity run through your wires.  
then you stick his thing in your laptop and he lets you talk about yourself.

(it’s called “wireless router,” diana, and no, you didn’t order one when you scheduled the installation.)

i believe my exact phrasing was somewhere along the lines of, “wait…  so i have to put the thing you’re pointing to into my laptop?  what if i ever want to do it in the bedroom?!” at which point he had no answer for me, (because it was a darn good question,) and said, “uh…  i need to go get something out of the truck ma’am.”

when he came back inside his hands were empty though, which leads me to the suspicion that the thing he needed to get was “away from me.”

what else to say about today?  well, we can start with “listened to ‘help i’m alive‘ loudly and repeatedly  for 6 hours, while pretending that i was pete wentz and doing ‘fist-pump’.”  
because that’s actually how i’ve imagined being him would feel like.  

it’s weird that metric wrote his theme song.

um, hi, 2008?  it’s 2009 now.  august 2009.  
hi, diana?  remember when you were 14?  that was not “earlier today.”

and pete?  this has just never been ok…

moving on, today also consisted of “act shocked by sound of same alarm i hear every morning,” (“day.”  whatever.) along with “ungraciously and obviously-not-meaning-it ask out-of-town friend if he wants some coffee and when he says ‘no thanks,’ make it anyway.  
spill it across him when he finally says, ‘ok…  sorry.’ in Baby Mouse voice.”

sorry b.  but not that sorry.  i didn’t even wake up for the last visiting friend.

day-planner?  that ain’t nothin but a list of suggestions.   
(just kidding!  anyone who doesn’t know me at all, will tell you – i’m the root of the phrase, “i totally remember saying that!”)

happening in real-time, i just dug my computer charger out of the box in the other room, plugged it into only my laptop, and convinced myself it was broken.

my own 19-year-old brother left my house this morning, shouting “call me when you’re not retarded.  oh wait, i guess this means goodbye forever!” over his shoulder as he left, refusing to either register my pleas for a second chance or halt the receding process.

as is usually the case with any house majority though, i embrace the stupid things that spew from my lips, and make no apologies. in fact, i’m going to go out tonight to celebrate my freedom of stupidity in a public place.

and therein lie the real gem – i won.
you didn’t realize it was a contest?
sorry. it was.

i’ve got all the snacks AND the internet

the Brother Who Judges

really asher?  you really thought “go put on those ‘princess’ shorts i got you from that one day you failed your driver’s test and let’s have some snacks,” was something i would say without having an ulterior motive?  
like “public humiliation?”
who’s laughing now?  
oh, right…  the whole world.  

think about this before you mock me, yee who judge too quickly…